While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
