i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
