OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
