I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
