The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I'm having to shit out rocks
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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