what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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