You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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