Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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