Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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