party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
