I wish my penis had an off switch
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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