I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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