Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
