I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
