Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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