Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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