You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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