She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
My penis needs a shock collar
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
