I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
