i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Randomize
