I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
