Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
