Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
