just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
