never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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