i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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