Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
