I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
