Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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