just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
