Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
