Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
