My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
