My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
babies were throwing up all over the place
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
