I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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