I think i peed on brittanys purse
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
