I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
