So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
