Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
