I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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