The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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