I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
So many bounce houses so little time
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
