We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
