the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
