I accidentally burped into my bong.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
