she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Semen is not good for contacts.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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