you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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