You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you would pick up someone in the library
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
