so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
