One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
