only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
the night ended with taco bell and tears
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
