Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
