My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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