When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
