Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
