i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
