My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
