I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Randomize
